Another pill, another night on the futon….
Now that I’m experiencing some health issues, I realize that I shouldn’t have laughed off my mother’s concerns about me living alone in a loft apartment. Sure, the whimsy of having a spiral staircase is worth the extra rent, but there are certain practical considerations you don’t make when you first see one, like how hard they are to get up when you aren’t feeling your best.
If all goes well with my blood work and the heart scan, I should start chemotherapy around noon tomorrow. I can’t say that I’m scared, but I’m really not all that excited. There’s alot of uncertainty about how the treatment will affect me, but seeing as I’ve tried to prepare myself (and quickly gotten over my fear of needles), I’m not really worried, just bothered that I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m definitely looking forward to getting better, but because of the way cancer works, it’s going to be a long road.
My scar is healing up quite nicely. Ironically, I can feel it alot more now that the patch is off; it doesn’t hurt, but I can feel it tugging and everything. It’s been pretty easy to manage, outside of developing a fear of pillows and the collars on my shirts. But the stitches will be out soon enough.
Everything’s looking up for tomorrow, and treatment in general. I try to tell people that Hodgkin’s is a highly curable form of cancer; still, it needs to be treated and attacked as agressively as any other kind. I stay positive, but I don’t feel any need to surround myself with overwhelming positivity. That can get a little grating, as with a certain upbeat musical that goes best umentioned. Suffice it to say, however, that it starts with an A and ends with -nnie. Maybe it’s not as bad as I remember, and maybe I really just saw an atrocious production. It’s not that I don’t appreciate people staying upbeat, but really, this is all little more than another challenge. The problem with musicals and such is people go to them for a little boost; they don’t keep that same passion in their lives. You become reliant on little boosts, and you’ll never make it through. You have to be able to find a constant within yourself that you can always look to that will remind you that, no matter how bad it is, it could be worse and that reminds you that you’re worth fighting for. I’ve been through plenty in my life; disappointment, failure to live up to expectations, the whole gamut. And certainly the specter of cancer puts the little things into perspective. And yet I can’t help but feel that I can get through this the same way I have everything else: by laughing as I go and keeping my eye on the grander things. Even now I don’t feel like I need to have my life affirmed: I’ve done ok for myself and despite all this I’ll be fine as long as I cooperate and want to succeed. Friends mean a little more now, but I’ve always tried to keep people close, even if I don’t always seem to mean it.
Ok, I guess I’ve rambled on for quite a while. My point is everything’s ok. I’m looking forward to getting better, and even though it won’t be easy, I’ll make it through, and I’ll keep it all here, come better or worse. It’s getting late, and I’ll need my strength for tomorrow. I’ll try to post an update tomorrow, depending on how I feel.
Until then, good night, and remember: the sun’ll come up tomorrow. Or so I’ve been told.